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We had a mother of 2 comment this week on this site, and it was rather moving. I knew there were women out there, and most are still reading Candy’s blog, that are beating themselves up about not keeping up with the Brauer home. I thought her words were eloquent and told a story that I know cannot be unique. Countryangle stated “ I started reading candy's site and started thinking there was something wrong with me. I didn't have everything moving perfect in my home. I'm just a mom with 2 kids. Mine are not perfect like hers. We argue and I have to get loud at times. I was new to blogs and I figured I was a true failure.I spent a lot of my husbands hard earned money making a binder and trying to follow it like she told me. Again I failed. I didn't use it like she did. I also noticed that I spent a heck of a lot of time putting it together and not getting anything done around the house. I broke down and told my husband about it and he got to reading her blog. He would laugh out loud and I couldn't figure out what he found funny. He told me I was crazy to try and follow her lies. He pointed out that there wasn't enough time in one day to be so perfect.“
This is just it. Trying to be perfect. First of all the Bible teaches us that we are not perfect, but are very fallible. I will not quote the Bible, but on rare occasions. I think that scripture is far less critical than the way you interpret it (like Candy I am not a believer in legalism when it comes to religion, but unlike Candy I will be consistent with that belief). I can if challenged, but I don’t believe it is necessary to prove that the Bible is against killing by quoting the ten commandments. Some things I will assume are a given. With that being said, I think that one of the most frustrating issues and what brought me to this blog was the knowledge that there are several women beating themselves up on a daily basis due to Candy.
This is the issue. Candy portrays herself as someone with a perfect life, perfect family, and a happy perfect home. People read her site and wonder what is wrong with them. What I am I doing wrong to not have such a perfect family? When you speak as an authority on a subject , the key is credentials. What qualifies you to give advice on the subject you are talking about? With Candy it is how to raise your home in a Christian manner, and her credentials are her stories and description of the home she has. We know that description is false. We know that she does not live what she portrays, but many people do not. This story is not unique and I have seen descriptions of this on more than one occasion. Candy does not acknowledge that there are hard days when everything does not go right. Candy does not describe the challenges of being financially strapped. Candy does not explain how hard it is to deal with unruly children. Instead Candy condemns having all the above. Candy has stated (by using her favorite blunt object the bible) it is un Christian to have the above. When people read, respect, and take Candy’s word for gospel they set themselves up to always being disappointed. What is worse to have children that are difficult to raise or a parent with low self esteem about her parenting. I would argue the latter. The latter allows for the parents to become withdrawn, ashamed, and not the ability to learn how to enjoy life.
Candy puts up this ridiculous schedule that we all know is impossible to follow, and something has to suffer for the lack of time, and my guess are the kids. I would say that if it comes between teaching your child (home schooling) and making buttermilk, always choose the child.
Parents need to understand that parenting is an imperfect science. There are several unique challenges and the way you parent is going to be based upon your very unique past. To look at Candy, and to not know the lies, you would think if she can do it so can I, but that is just the point she can’t do it and doesn’t do it. There are several things about Candy that destroy her credentials as an authority figure. Her ignorance on several subjects, her low level of education, poor financial status, CPS showing up, and her insistence to lie about her life are all reasons that this site was created. To not only refute her vile and bigotry, but also to let people know it is okay to be imperfect, are the reasons this site was started. God expects none of us to be perfect. Life is a challenge, and a hard one with many mountains and mole hills. Once you are able to accept that the easier the challenges become, but to not accept yourself, because you hold too high of a standard (set by a deceptive soap box stander) you will never be happy, and you will never feel like a successful parent. I think to be a successful parent you just have to spend time and be there with your child. Be there with them when things go right and wrong and to teach them by example how to deal with those victories and challenges. Just because one thing works for one does not mean it applies across the board. Parenting is not something you get off the Internet or off an Internet site (sure you can get support, advice, and a place to talk to others with the same issue, but the situation you are in is unique to you and your family).
Hopefully more and more will visit and see that yes you can pick up tips from her site, but do not be deceived to the point that you think her description of her life is real. It just is not.
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14 comments:
If you think Candy's page is bad, you should read this one:
http://www.blessedquietness.com
My personal favorite is the page entitled, "Whores - A biblical view."
The guy who runs the site had a video of himself dancing and singing when the Pope died. He danced and sang about how the pope was going to burn in hell. Nice guy, huh?
Wow. That is definitely Christian I guess. How can you not like Pope John??? I mean seriously, I am not a catholic, or even a Christian, but Pope John?? That is like hating Mother Teresa, or Ghandi.
An excellent summation.
I get the impression that Candy is one of those people whose forceful personality can overpower the less confident and searching. One of those who's 'occasionally in error, but never in doubt'. Their self-confidence is impressive to others. The danger, as you point out, is if that is a facade.
There are many Christian homemaking blogs that are honest about the challenges of parenting and homemaking and whose posts really do exhibit a "gentle and quiet spirit".
One could read those, instead.
Wonderful post. Just wonderful!
I was one of those moms who beat herself up. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, that I was unable to do as much as she does in a day. I was convinced that I must be a bad person because I get short with my kids and snap at my husband. After all, all she does is CHOOSE to be happy, that's all there is to it.
It took about six months of regularly reading her blog to snap out of it and realize that NO one's life is that perfect. And her implication that you're either lazy or just not trying hard enough if you're not doing all that she does (and with a SMILE, damn it!) is just plain infuriating.
Even beyond the whole "Catholics are the spawn of Satan" theme she is so fond of, I feel like she could be doing so much more for other moms and wives by relating her life as it really is, not through rose-colored glasses.
Many fine points, CIACAIG.
I have been reading Candy's blog for about 2-3 years (can't remember when I first discovered it). There was a time when I felt like this--extremely inadequate, and like I wasn't doing my job properly. I couldn't live up to that so I wondered what was wrong with me. And there is an underlying message that if you just do some certain things you can be as happy as her. So I tried it her way. Still didn't work. I have had my suspicions about some of the things she says for quite awhile--mainly that I think she just leaves out parts of her story, the parts she doesn't want anyone to know about. I do remember a few years back her run-in with CPS and wondered why when, recently, she posted that she truly does have bad days and just chooses to remain happy in spite of them, she didn't mention that. Then she went on to list examples of some bad days she has had. Why wouldn't she mention that incident? That would constitute a "bad day" in my book. I also remember her mentioning in one of her earlier posts that buying soda is wasting your husband's money, and then more recently posted that she was trying to stop drinking Pepsi everyday because she relied too much on the caffeine for energy. Fine, so she's stopping, but I was led to believe that that was something she didn't do at all. Those are just a few examples of inconsistencies I have found. I understand that people change and learn continually through life. Maybe that's what she means by it all? ...I don't know...
I used to be annoyed by the anti-Candy comments, but I was only able to read what her refutes were, so that's what I went by. Then I checked out a certain comment from another blogger that she deemed "ignorant" and made to sound like it was hateful. It was not. It was very kindly and tastefully written. That made me decide to check out some of these other "haters" out there whose lives were committed to torturing Candy (again, this is what I got based on the comments I would read at her site). VTC is not hateful at all. It merely defends itself from her anti-Catholic posts. So I have become more and more uncomfortable with her site since making some of these discoveries and have found some relief in the fact that other like-minded people have had their doubts, too. By like-minded I mean other Christian, homemaking ladies...so it is NOT just me being a 'bad Christian'.
I am not here to bad-mouth Candy. I understand that this is what this site is for; it is stated in some comment or post here somewhere. I know that you are not a Christian (also mentioned somewhere on this site); I am not here to judge. This particular post just really sort of cleared some things up for me and I felt I should comment.
On another note, someone here commented on my "Boot Camp" post and I would like to say a few things about that. Note that I am NOT being hateful, judgmental, or spiteful in any way. I am, just as VTC does, defending what I believe. So here goes:
In the post I mention that you would have to read the original article to really know the heart of it, which is now unavailable; nothing can be done about that. What I shared was the basic skeleton of the plan. I also mention that "Boot Camp" is as much training for mom as it is for the children. There is nothing wrong with taking a few days to ONLY concentrate on behavior. I had to work on my yelling less and smiling more, and they had to work on their obedience. Having unruly or disobedient children would NOT make me a good parent. Stopping when I tell them to is not only a matter of obedience, it is also a matter of safety. Teaching manners and good behavior is not outdated. These are life skills. This site talks a lot about being truthful and real. How much more real could I be? That whole post reveals a lot--my children do misbehave, we do have bad days, I yell at my kids and my husband (not all the time, but you get what I mean), I get angry. If you poke around my site you will see that I do admit that I don't have it all together and I am not perfect (that's what I need Jesus for). There is nothing wrong with me wanting to do something about those things. My site says that I am STRIVING to be these things, not "I am perfect so be like me". I posted our plan because people wanted to know. I don't care if people do it or not.
My children are well-loved, well cared for, and can get along with people of all ages. We have neighborhood children ringing our door bell all the time wanting to know if they can come out to play. And YES, I DO let them. Obviously I don't let the babies wander the neighborhood without me, but the older ones go out and play with other kids. They are not social outcasts or considered "weird" by others. In fact, people of all ages find them quite pleasant to be around. Some of that has to do with the fact that I DO teach them manners.
Off subject again, I use the word "hubby" on my site because it is faster to type than the word 'husband'. He knows I do that, but I know he'd tease me if I called him that to his face. I call him by his name. That was just addressing something else I read here.
That's all; God bless.
What is it that keeps making other Christian, stay at home moms want to be like her so much? Why do they keep going back for more and why does it take so long for some to realize she is living a fantasy internet life?
To me, it didn't take much to see that her blog was a joke about a life that she has somehow dreamed up in her head. I kept going back for the entertainment....maybe I'm just not enough of a perfectionist type.
BTW Jessica, I posted my above comment before I had a chance to read yours (we posted at the same time) - thanks for the info on "boot camp." You said, "There is nothing wrong with taking a few days to ONLY concentrate on behavior." I agree with that, and think it's a good idea. More parents should probably consider that. Your description helps a lot in keeping me from being very judgmental about this child discipline method, simply because of its name. Not that I agree entirely, but it's probably not as bad as it sounds. :)
Thank you, nightowl. It is a universal fact that no two sets of parents are going to agree 100% on parenting styles. And on the issue of spanking there is even more division. In my case, it's even more diverse within my own family. When my 13 yo was 2 I could reason with her and that would be that. My 7yo, not so much. God made everyone different, and He did it on purpose.
First of all welcome Jessica, and thank you so much for your sincere post. I think when I first read your post, I was a little shocked by it. It was a face value judgment, and really thinking about that it was wrong for me to judge you for your rearing skills, as I have been offended when mine have been. And for that I owe you an apology. I think the important thing, as I recently said, was that you spend time with your children which is never a bad thing. I don't remember reading that you first need to read the article, and I will go to your site to read it. I just hope that you know that parents aren't perfect, and neither are children. Love and attention, I think cures all. Thank you again, and you are welcome back anytime, and I think you will see that welcome will be warm.
Nightowl: I think a lot of women stumble upon her site looking to feel better about themselves. I think they feel guilty about being at home while the husband provides, but these women forget is that YOU DO HAVE A JOB. You have the most important job. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that a wife staying home is bad. As a matter of fact, I believe the opposite. My wife is not a stay at home mom, but that is for our financial goals for us and our child. I do think in today's time and economy having a stay at home wife is becoming nearly impossible, and thus the reason these women seek to be the best wives possible. I know it has to be a financial strain not having the two parent work, but it also holds the family together, and makes them stronger. For me and my wife we both get home around six in the evening. I am exhausted, she is exhausted, and our son is just thrilled to be out of school and day care. He has a ton of energy, and we are zapped. We look at each other and try and figure out the easiest way to get from point a to point sleep. We still manage to get up do thing together, but it is not full of energy and excitement, but more like a work commitment to our child (knowing the importance, and it is not with resentment either, it is just the way it is). The hustle of life is fast and full of stress. Staying at home, teaching the kids (and even absent this activity it is still a difficult job and makes me think to do all this and home school is truly work), cleaning the home, managing dinner, and etc is a full day work load. I would lose my mind, and could not do it. We don’t spend our money on childish thing like new TVs, furniture, or cars; we save our money for our new home, our kids education, and his and our future. That is why we both work, and it is a decision that obviously comes at a cost, which is time with our kid. So I do respect families that decide to forgo that income for the sake of their children, and do admire people that can make that work.
Hello CIACAIG, thank you for your reply. The second paragraph of the boot camp post is where it says to read the original article, but I didn't mention in that post that the article is no longer available online; I know I said it somewhere else--possibly the post I wrote that boot camp would be coming up.
Another point I want to add is that this really was spending time with my children. They played, we read together, etc. in the midst of the training. If I didn't love and care for my children I certainly could have done a thousand other things than spend a whole week focusing every waking moment on them. It was exhausting because I had to train myself to CONSISTENTLY correct a wrong behavior the moment it happened, when it would have been easier to go on with my day and let it go (well, not in the long run!). When you have a hefty household where all of the children are home all day you don't have time to argue with each person about why they should or shouldn't do something. Our policy is that they must obey first and then they may ask "why" later and we have no problem answering them. If, every time I made a request such as "would you help your sister with her shoes", or "go put this in the trash, please", I was met with "Why do I have to..." or "but I didn't leave this here" or "but I didn't make this mess" or "I don't want to", we would have chaos indeed. The point of having one child, for example, pour water on the floor and another clean it up, was to teach them that they are responsible to help out whether they made the mess or not. And it wasn't all work stuff they did. Sometimes they had to answer correctly to me telling them to go get a piece of candy, which they certainly had no arguments about!
Anyway, I do have more to say but my husband and I are leaving to take the children to a block party the base is putting on. (Gotta love the military--they host things like this for the families and it's free! I guess it has to be since we don't get paid that much! LOL)
Jessica,
I commend you for taking this time and effort to train your children :) I am planning to share your posts about it with my husband this evening.
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